Remarriage

"It was also said, Whoever divorces his wife must give her a written notice of divorce. But I tell you, everyone who divorces his wife, except in a case of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery (Mt 5:31-32 HCSB)."


Jesus is quoted in Matthew Mark and Luke on the topic of divorce and remarriage. His main point on marriage is that the bonds between people brought together by God should not be torn apart.  One might wonder then, "How can we know God has brought them together?"  


In Jewish community marriage was not a decision made by two people alone.  These couplings were community decisions.  First were the parents in agreement with the proposed marriage.  Were there funds to pay the bride price to the family for the hand of their daughter?  Is the man reputable?  Is the woman able to bear children or work hard for her family?  Does the local rabbi approve?  Does the synagogue community also find the match a good one?  In short there were lots of people vested in the marriage as members of the couple's community.


Can you imagine having to place your decisions up against a community vote?  We rarely even bother to get parental approval today.  It's nice to have, but not necessary in our minds today.  Couples balk at marriage counseling with clergy.  Many who come to the church for marriage do not belong to a church.  They just want the building to look nice.


I think in many cases it is because we refuse to consult others and pursue this lifelong decision with holy concern and caution that so many marriages fail. We need many counselors in order to get a sense that others also hear God's will.  


Now there are exceptions.  There are couples who marry that everyone says, "They'll never make it," who end up making the lifelong journey.  They confound the community's perception of them.  There are others who seem to be perfect for each other who fail miserably.  This business of marriage is very complex.  Still I maintain the ideal that when two people have a faith relationship with Jesus Christ and believe they have heard that God intends for them to be together as husband and wife, that marriage begins on the best of foundations.


Marriages fail even when both people are committed Christians.  We all have our weaknesses that get the better of us.  If those weaknesses were dormant during courtship or one thought they could change the other once married, friction may lead to fire and fire to destruction.


Once a marriage has failed what are we to do? The morals applying to Christians are the same.  We seek to reconcile what was broken and forgive what needs forgiving.  This doesn't mean pursue remarrying the person you just divorced.  It does mean learning to love each other in spite of your irreconcilable differences.  While we may not be able to reconcile, God can and in some sense already has. The question is, "Will we take advantage of God's grace to find healing, forgiveness and healthier relationships?"


It may be that a couple were never called to be husband and wife by God. Now there are children and shared property and shared history to learn how to live with together even if you are not married anymore. Healing must take place for you to move on to where God would have you.


Remarriage to another person becomes an option for the divorced person.  According to Jesus teaching, remarriage while the divorced souse is living would be adultery. 


David Bivin wrote in his book, New Light on the Difficult Words of Jesus, (http://www.amazon.com/New-Light-Difficult-Words-Jesus/dp/0974948225) about Jesus' teaching on divorce and remarriage.  The basic argument of his study is that English translators have not fully understood the nuances of Aramaic, the language of Jesus. English is translated from Greek manuscripts, not Aramaic.  So the manuscripts themselves are translations and therefore a certain level of interpretation is involved.  Bivin often re-translates passages with an Aramaic sensibility.  


For Jesus' teaching Bivin explains the English conjunctive word "and" in Hebrew has a broad range of meanings.  The Hebrew word "vav" can mean "in order to." This would render Jesus' teaching in a much different tone.


Bivin translates Luke 16:18a to read "Anyone who divorces his wife in order to marry another commits adultery."  He helps us to see that two different traditions within Pharisaic schools were at odds.  One felt a husband could divorce his wife for any reason at all.  The other taught that only for unfaithful spouses should divorce be allowed.  Jesus sides on the latter teaching.


Bivin suggests the condition in which remarriage is adultery is when a spouse is dumping a faithful spouse for another person.  But we all know this is not always why divorce occurs. Is it sinful to remarry after a failed divorce not involving marital unfaithfulness? Is sexual unfaithfulness to only grounds for divorce in God's eyes?


Life is messy and doesn't follow the idealized patterns of the New Testament moral teachings.  Try as we might, we fail to live the ideal just as the Israelites failed to keep the law completely.  That is exactly why we need a Savior.


One biblical passage that may shed light on the topic of remarriage is Paul's teaching in 1 Corinthians 7.

"To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 

 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife (1 Cor. 7:12-16)?"

There are profitable things to discuss here.  First note that Paul is teaching his own understanding. Jesus did not teach what he is teaching here, but Paul does so in the authority he has as an apostle of Jesus Christ.

Second Paul says stay together in mismatched marriages as long as the unbeliever is willing to do so.  My counsel to spouses in marriages with unbelieving spouses is to consider whether God might be calling them to sacrifice themselves in order to bring their spouse to Christ.  While they may be unfulfilled in their relationship, might God be calling them to this work as He called Jesus to the cross?  Only that person can decide if that is what they believe is the case.  If they do they still do not have to stay a prisoner or captive in an abusive relationship.  They can take necessary steps to hold their spouse accountable to their marriage vows to love and to cherish.  Remember the first point.  This is an apostle's teaching, not directly a command from Jesus. Conscience must lead the spouse, not law.


It is important on this point to mention Paul's use of the word "holy" in this passage.  When a priest makes a sacrificial offering and burns it on the altar, some of the food portions in certain sacrifices are eaten by the worshipers.  The food is holy because it was sacrificed by holy ordinance to the Holy One of Israel and as such it makes by association holy all who eat of it (see 1 Cor. 10:18-22).  When a Christian woman chooses to live with her unbelieving husband, sacrificing the life she might have with a Christian man, she makes a holy offering of her own life.  Paul makes the case that the presence of such a love makes the family holy as they are holy.  The family is made holy by the believer's presence.  That family is set aside for God.


I would never counsel a person to stay in an abusive relationship or one in which they are not loved, cared for or nurtured.  But many do choose to stay. If however the unbelieving spouse chooses to leave the marriage, and holding them accountable may in fact lead them to leave, the believing spouse is "not bound."  I read this to mean they are free to marry another.  Paul would say live single and chaste if you can, but if you cannot and burn with passion, you should marry.


Remarriage then was an option for the first century church when mismatched couples divorce.  Paul would be abhorred by the reasons we divorce these days.  When we remarry, we really ought to seek God's will and discover very carefully the faith commitment of our love interest.  Obligation to God dictates our obligation to one another.  if one is in the habit of ignoring what pleases God, they are less equipped to attend to caring about their spouses needs.  This isn't always the case, but often true. Selfishness leads to unhappy marriages.


Even when we've made these mistakes and remarry, does that mean God rejects us? Heavens "no."  We all fail.  We all sin.  And God forgives.  Throw yourself at His mercy and get up and sin no more.